PMDD and Chronic Pain? Hell On Earth.

I should be posting this in the forum.. somewhere under "I'm PMDDing right now."  But I'll post it here instead and maybe someone will understand it and know that they are not alone.

I have PMDD and chronic pain with fatigue and sleepiness.  The last doctor said it was fibromyalgia but I have symptoms from several other autoimmune disorders too, so he was going to do some
further testing to make sure.  Then we lost our insurance so I never did get to find out.  The insurance should be kicking in again soon.  I have arthritis and bone spurs in my cervical/thoracic spine.  If I overdo things, I get MAV (migraine associated vertigo) and tingling/numbness in my arms and face from this spine problem.  I also have problems with insomnia but nothing helps.

Tonight the PMDD has kicked in again.  I'm in Week 3 now, which lately has been my "good" week.  Yay for another unpredictable cycle.  (For those who don't know, Week 1 is the week of menstruation and Week 3 is usually the week of ovulation.)  I just rubbed in some estriol cream and popped an Ativan so I don't go ripping anyone's head off or crying into the night.  I've already been thinking about the past in the last half hour, which is one of the ways I start spiraling down into a depressed mood.

I won't go into too much detail about this past week, but let's just say that I'm in more pain lately not only from what appears to be a "flare up" from my chronic pain problem, but also because I'm at my parents' house so I'm doing a lot of things I usually get help with by myself.   I want to yell at the kids for not helping but I'm afraid I'll go too far and either regret things later or overdo it and dig deeper into that depressed pit, so I asked my husband to talk to them instead. (I apologize for the run-on sentences.. I'm very tired tonight.)

My husband is not here with me because he's taking care of the house.  It's making me realize how little I am capable of doing anymore.  In the last 2 to 3 years, I've gone from having a full-time job and doing everything and anything I want to being unemployed and barely able to take care of myself.  I am too tired to bathe tonight and won't have time to in the morning.  I'm moving super slow these days.  It's depressing in itself but I have to keep this somewhat bitter and dark sense of humor or I'd probably be dead already.

I think anyone with PMDD who has lasted longer than a year is a very strong individual.  I now think anyone who has chronic pain who has lasted longer than a year or two, depending on the level of pain, is a very strong individual.  I know in my logical mind that I am probably a seriously strong person, but I don't ever feel that way in my heart.  In my heart I'm tired.  I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, and I would like all of this to end or just ease up a tiny little bit so I can retain what's left of my sanity.  I do lose that sanity every month and I feel weak as a person because of it.

I forgot where I was going with this post... that's another thing that comes with this thing I have; the cognitive problems.  Or "brain fog".  I used to think of myself as seriously intelligent but my brain doesn't work like it used to.  I've had to redefine myself in the last couple of years.  I am no longer the smart person I used to be.  Or the skinny person.  Or the flexible person.  Or the neat-freak who cleaned to ease her anxiety.  Or the creative person.  Or the crafty/artsy person.  Even my handwriting is awful compared to 3 years ago.  So who am I?  How do I find myself when I can't physically do much anymore?  Why do I keep having to redefine myself and shape myself around these diseases?