I haven't had much time to write lately (I should write a blog about my life by itself.. it would be a bit shocking to a lot of people at how much stress we experience almost daily), and I'm having a big bout of brain fog, so I apologize if this post seems scattered or plain crappy.
I need to get this out while I still can remember it. It's one of those things you need to experience in order to understand or explain it.
For me, PMDD anger is very messy. I imagine a big scribbled blob above a cartoon figure of myself, drawn in black ink. Kind of like this:
Clean anger, on the other hand, is.. clean and normal. This is what most people usually feel when they are angry.
This is harder to explain than I thought it would be.
Have you ever taken a test or worked on something so long (for me, it's math tests or therapy sessions) that your brain feels completely burnt out? It feels like it is dried up or has been sitting in the hot sun for way too long. You can't open your eyes very well either because they are tired and dried out. It's hard to gather thoughts. The process of thinking is messy. I'm a very visual person, so I picture this messiness as that scribbled blob up there or like my head is filled with thick, dark flecks of dried up ash.
This is very similar to the feeling I get when I have PMDD anger or rage. The process is messy. I'm not able to gather my thoughts without that dried up feeling or like I'm sifting through ash in my head. Before I knew it was PMDD taking over, I thought it was just me being overly tired and angry at the same time. I can now tell that this type of anger is causing me to have irrational thoughts and to say irrational things. I'm not saying I can't come up with things to say right away. Oh, no. I can spit out the meanest, harshest things without batting an eye when I'm PMDD-angry. But that dried up, messy feeling is still there.
I haven't had non-PMDD anger very often. I needed to find out if I could tell the difference between me having a PMDD episode and me just being pissy, and this messy vs. clean anger thing was what helped me figure it out.
I recently had a non-PMDD rage too, so that really helped me see that the messiness I feel in my mind is strictly tied to PMDD. I was completely and utterly pissed off to the point of rage, but since I wasn't PMDDing at the time, it felt clean and clear. There was no scribbled mess interfering with anything. I have friends who say they have no idea what I'm talking about, so this may not apply to anyone else who has PMDD. But it would be great if someone could tell me that, yes, they also feel that messiness when they have PMDD.
Sometimes I wonder if this is what people with psychosis feel... that messiness. PMDD is right on the borderline with psychotic tendencies. It is very easy for a PMDDing woman to go over the edge and commit murder, and I'm not sure why I've been one of the lucky ones who hasn't experienced that. I worry that this messy scribbled feeling is me touching that edge, but I have not had the chance to talk with anyone who has psychotic tendencies about how it feels to be pushed over the edge. Do they get that messy feeling just before it happens? Is this what it's like just before a person blacks out during a rage? Is my mind on the verge of splitting or doing something to cope with the stress being put upon it?
So, my question for anyone reading is: How do you know when you are PMDD-angry and non-PMDD-angry?
I need to get this out while I still can remember it. It's one of those things you need to experience in order to understand or explain it.
For me, PMDD anger is very messy. I imagine a big scribbled blob above a cartoon figure of myself, drawn in black ink. Kind of like this:
This is harder to explain than I thought it would be.
Have you ever taken a test or worked on something so long (for me, it's math tests or therapy sessions) that your brain feels completely burnt out? It feels like it is dried up or has been sitting in the hot sun for way too long. You can't open your eyes very well either because they are tired and dried out. It's hard to gather thoughts. The process of thinking is messy. I'm a very visual person, so I picture this messiness as that scribbled blob up there or like my head is filled with thick, dark flecks of dried up ash.
This is very similar to the feeling I get when I have PMDD anger or rage. The process is messy. I'm not able to gather my thoughts without that dried up feeling or like I'm sifting through ash in my head. Before I knew it was PMDD taking over, I thought it was just me being overly tired and angry at the same time. I can now tell that this type of anger is causing me to have irrational thoughts and to say irrational things. I'm not saying I can't come up with things to say right away. Oh, no. I can spit out the meanest, harshest things without batting an eye when I'm PMDD-angry. But that dried up, messy feeling is still there.
I haven't had non-PMDD anger very often. I needed to find out if I could tell the difference between me having a PMDD episode and me just being pissy, and this messy vs. clean anger thing was what helped me figure it out.
I recently had a non-PMDD rage too, so that really helped me see that the messiness I feel in my mind is strictly tied to PMDD. I was completely and utterly pissed off to the point of rage, but since I wasn't PMDDing at the time, it felt clean and clear. There was no scribbled mess interfering with anything. I have friends who say they have no idea what I'm talking about, so this may not apply to anyone else who has PMDD. But it would be great if someone could tell me that, yes, they also feel that messiness when they have PMDD.
Sometimes I wonder if this is what people with psychosis feel... that messiness. PMDD is right on the borderline with psychotic tendencies. It is very easy for a PMDDing woman to go over the edge and commit murder, and I'm not sure why I've been one of the lucky ones who hasn't experienced that. I worry that this messy scribbled feeling is me touching that edge, but I have not had the chance to talk with anyone who has psychotic tendencies about how it feels to be pushed over the edge. Do they get that messy feeling just before it happens? Is this what it's like just before a person blacks out during a rage? Is my mind on the verge of splitting or doing something to cope with the stress being put upon it?
So, my question for anyone reading is: How do you know when you are PMDD-angry and non-PMDD-angry?
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